10. Promise her bunk-mate and those scary, ‘dyke-ey’ chicks in cell-row 244# to cast them in “Mean Girls 2” if they’ll promise to stop calling her “New Booty On The Block”
9. Find Jesus……(um, that would be Jesus Martinez the really cute, super-hot Latino security guard who keeps flirting)….hey, a chick’s gotta’ get it in some way!
8. Call up “P-Hilty” (a.k.a Paris Hilton) bragging: “So who’s gonna’ have the bigger “People magazine cover and E! News *EXCLUSIVE* Behind-the-scene interview now??!!... Beeyotch!”
7. Practice writing “Fire-Crotch Wuz' Here” all over her cell in that totally hot graffiti style with the new, scented markers her Mom slipped her as contraband.
6. Bond with her ex-con Daddy over his secret tips to get the guards to like you and where to score the softest dinner rolls after chow-time.
5. Begin writing future best-selling weight-loss book “The Lohan-Lockdown Way….90 days to a Skeletal YOU”….;only for the truly serious & committed bulimic.
4. Join prison AA support group....um, in hopes of finding a fresh, new entourage of party-hard chicks who KNOW all the cool, underground liquor stores!
3. Pitch new project to agent: ”Jail House Rock…. The Musical” to win back her younger audience; particularly the juvenile delinquent and teen-mother fan demographic who can appreciate her new ‘street-cred’.
2.Text crazy, midnight statuses on Twitter about how “…her new girlfriend is soooo much hotter than any guy or chick she’s ever been with….seriously, she’s burning-hot… can someone PLEASE get me a prescription, I’m dying in here!”
...and the number 1# THING LINDSEY LOHAN SHOULD DO TO PAST TIME IN PRISON FOR 90 DAYS
1.Take this down time to meditate on the sins of her crazy, wild and destructive past , pray and make peace with her enemies before beginning anew…yeah , like…what-verrrr …“GIMME’ MY CIGGS AND HENNY, DAMMIT WHILE I’M WAITING FOR BAIL, ….I’M A @$#&!*% STAR, B*TCHES…GET ME OUTTA’ HERE!”
10. Legendary songstress Patti Labelle’s infamous shoe-throwing-antics ends badly during her tribute to Prince when she hits one of Drake’s entourage members who boomerangs it into Chaka Khan’s hair. ..Never to be seen (or worn) ever again.
9. Nicki Minaj has a major wardrobe dysfunction while changing into yet another one of her “ UniverSoul Circus” wigs, and picks one that has still has Lil’ Kim attached to it!!!….( *Dang, Nicki…the expression is steal from the best and make it your OWN, not steal the best and make HER your own!*)
On a positive note, Lil’ Kim is able to rap over Nicki’s lip-synching thus giving Nicki’s performance some much-needed authenticity!
8. BET Chief-Executive-Officer and illuminati field-agent, Debra Lee announces that the network will officially change it’s name from BET to EBT ( Ebonics & Buffoonery Television) and then reveals what was REALLY hiding underneath her massive “1000 dead pink-flamingos” dress……a food stamps swiping machine!
7. During the “Teddy Pendergrass thong waving tribute”; somebody’s XXL granny panties lands on singer Tyrese momentarily blinding his already squinty eyes. Fortunately everything is cleared up & aired out (literally) though when BET talk-show host Mo’Nique scoops them up & puts them back on….no harm done really, it wasn’t Mo’Sexy or Mo’Classy but it was at least….. Mo’kay.
6. A post-show announcement is made that the “Tiny & Toya” Reality show will now offer the much-needed foreign language subtitles for the upper east coast viewing audience and actresses Wendy Raquel Robinson and Taraji P. Henson will be getting their own reality show “Loud & Proud “ as a new season replacement for “College Hill” ( which based on BET staff research is responsible for increased enrollment amongst Black students, which means they won’t have time to watch videos and therefore in violation of the BET vision statement )
5.Alicia Key’s gets so excited to perform during the Prince tribute that she gives birth , even more bizarre the baby swings down from the umbilical cord and starts immediately playin’ on the same piano his mom was just gyrating & grinding on ..now that’s talent!!!
4. MaShonda Beatz ( Swizz’s wife.....um, for now) bum-rushes the stage during Alicia’s song and calls her out as a shameful home-wrecker, only to be pushed aside by Kanye who declares that although he’s sorry for interrupting …( um, again) and that he’ll let Alicia finish her affair…. but Gabrielle Union STILL has the worst home-wrecker record of all time…OF-ALL-TIME!
3. Wendy & Lisa , Vanity 6, Sheila E, Appollonia, Morris Day, Rosie Gaines and members of both The New Power Generation and The Revolution perform a Prince medley, giving “His Royal Badness” the tribute his fans REALLY wanted to see…everybody he made a star finally giving him his props
( ungrateful bastards!); followed by a brief & touching presentation by “Maybelline”, Dark & Lovely” & “Soft-Sheen” home-relaxer products.
2.Instead of Queen Latifah coming out in a different costume every 15 minutes, let’s see her come out– period! Enough already La’, we KNOW… and now that Ellen has made it fashionable...say it loud & proud and get YOUR talk-show on and your own gorgeous out-of-work actress girlfriend (*pause---no homo) by your side…you’ve earned it Queen! Now eat yer’ heart out……um, so to speak.
...and the number 1# Top Ten *Untelevised* Moment of the BET 2010 Awards was.......
During his tour-de-force comeback, Chris Brown cries tears of joy to be accepted by the crowd but loses it when “attention-hog”rapper Lil’ Mama jumps on stage to steal some of his glory and he proceeds to poppin’ her in her lip-gloss….and um…well, you pretty much know the story from here………*sigh* nice MJ moves though!
Written and Illustrated By Lena Hopkins-Jackson ( With all due respect and love to Aaron McGruder)
REAL “G” SOLUTION 10#.......”World’s Biggest Fish-Fry” : We could call it the “Under-The Sea Cookout”...I’m getting the “ITIS” just thinkin’ about it! Yo’ check It:
dem’ fish already dead anyway…right? Ain’t nobody thinkin’ bout’ dem’ fish ...right?
In fact we doin’ the Ocean a favor by having this fish fry; we could charge $5.oo a plate and half the money....um, I mean 1/3…..naw, SOME of the proceeds can go to paying off this deficit my man Obeezy inherited!
REAL “G” SOLUTION 9#....... “World’s Biggest Pelican & Seagull Fry”:
Basically the same concept as the fish-fry, we just usin’ birds,… thass’ all nigga’, thass’ all! ...AND I hear those sea-birds taste just like chicken if you season them right !
REAL “G” SOLUTION 8#..........”Hair-Oil For Hard To Lay Down Weaves”:
Yo’, did you peep that movie “Good Hair”? Did you see how much cheddar ‘dem Malaysians and Indians be making off black people tryin’ get hair like white people?? Uh-huh-Uh-huh…I see an opportunity knocking, don’t you? If me and my boys can dip into that BP oil and sell it by the gallon to all these Beyonce’ wannabees , maaaaan, we shutting down :Revlon, Dark & Lovely, Isoplus and every corner-market Asian hair-supply store out of business! I’m goin’ Tony Montana on ‘dem marks! Yeea-Ah!
REAL “G” SOLUTION 7#....... “Lotion For Ashy People”: Need I say more? A jar of Vaseline and Coca butter just don’t seem to do it for some niggas; their legs and feet be looking so white it’s like they got that ‘light-skin-people-creating’ disease Michael Jackson swore he had.
REAL “G” SOLUTION 6#. …..“The Biggest Oil & Water Super-Soaker fight ever!!!” Yeah, yeah…I know oil and water don’t mix .. BUT it did anyway, didn’t it nigga’…didn’t it??!! So since the oil is already there; polluting future crabby patty sandwiches and Red Lobster specials, why not make a game out of it?! We could load up our water guns and get it on & poppin’ for weeks, whatever oil is left over the losing team has to clean it up….and naw, I don’t know what that other team is gon’ do with it nigga’; my job was to find out how to make use of the oil that’s already there….“oil-disposal is anutha’ nigga’s job!
REAL “G” SOLUTION 5#. …. “Let The Mexicans Over There Clean It up”
They need the work don’t they? I may be wrong for this one but I figure they owe us anyway after putting all these “Checks-Cashed” and “Taco-Bells” up in the hood
( Can a nigga eat a burrito, just one without getting the ‘Hershey squirts’….
I’m sayin’nigga’ ...d@yum )
REAL “G” SOLUTION 4#.. “Pour Some of That Oil into the Water-Jets and Boats That Are Already Out There” It’s that simple nigga, I don’t know why Obeezy and nem’ BP gangsters didn’t already come up with this one themselves! As matter a fact, tell the White House staff niggaz to go ahead and get my corner office ready….my solutions to the BP screw-up was a freebie, the rest of my ideas are gonna’ cost you!
I don’t care if the USA is in debt…:$@^#%-YOU…PAY-ME!
REAL “G” SOLUTION 3#. ….I dunno’ yet nigga, I’m only eight years old…..gimme’ a second…d@yum!
….. right now I’m wondering where’s Al Gore when you need him?!! You couldn’t throw a bubble-gum wrapper on the ground without that nigga’ sayin’ it was gonna’ destroy the Ozone layer back-in-the-day! If he wants to save the planet, put HIM on clean-up duty!
…and my hater-brother Huey wants to know how come the USA didn’t see this coming after the Exxon Valdez disaster; which is a whole-nutha’oil spill from a long time ago…are the two supposed to be related or somethin’, what?
REAL “G” SOLUTION 2# …. “Pimp-Your-Ride-On-The-Ocean-Wide” Car Show!
Hold me down niggaz cuz’ niggaz ain’t ready for this! Anybody can go to an average car show on land… BUT REAL niggaz is takin’ it up a notch every day, flippin’ the game with somethin’ new… we takin’ it to the sea now, nigga! Check it : we fill up the cars with that BP oil and just let ‘em float on hydraulics and 175 inch dubs!!! BANANAS!!!
...and the number 1# REAL “G” SOLUTION To Handle This BP Oil Spill...
Make ‘dem BP niggaz clean up their own damn mess; every last one of ‘em from the CEO to the dumb @ss who was at the wheel….that should have been THE solution on day one!
10. *Operation-Mama-Mia* The "We're Kicking Italians Back To The Boot They Came From"-Anti-Italian Immigration Law
*Ethnic Profiling*: Mafia-lookin’,“Good Fellas” straight outta’ the cast of “The Sopranos”, guys who answer to ‘Pauly’, ‘Tony’ or any name ending with a vowel, loud-mouthed chicks with big, ‘mall-hair’ and sprayed-on tangerine-tans and muscled-bound Guidos at the club wearing cheap suits with more oil in there hair than BP can spill.
*Dangerous Imports* : knock-off Prada, Dolce & Gabbana and Gucci sold at swap-meets and grocery store parking lots , Prego marinara Sauce ( too fattening, who cares if “It’s In There”… who needs that?) And the entire “New JerseyShore” and the “Desperate Housewives of New Jersey” cast; “Getthefrondoorouttahere, …seriously …LEAVE!”
9. *Operation-What-Da'-Bloodclot*: The "We Ain't Takin' No Jamaicans"Anti-Caribbean Immigration Law
*Ethnic Profiling*: Along with islanders, anyone who says “Hey Mon!” with a thick accent, Black people with dreadlocks who wear those crocheted, rainbow-berets and annoying, stringy-haired White boy Rastas who wanna’ be down; they can go too!
*Dangerous Imports*: Ganja (we have our own),Red Stripe Beer, bad-bootleg Reggae concerts on DVD and Poom-Poom shorts when worn near construction workers!
Why He’s Full of ****… No one with a radio or a TV set should be surprised by shock-jock Stern’s on-air antics by now; he’s highly paid to throw shade at everyone. However, when hawk-nosed Howie took aim at Gabourey Sidibe, (the zaftig and zealous star of Precious) cruelly calling her out on her weight and lack of career options, he was not only unnecessarily nasty....but loud and wrong! Aside from her Oscar-nominated actress swag, Gabby has already scored her next movie deal, a recurring role on a TV show, and best of all, she’s got “The O” in her corner … that’s better than half the salad-eatin’ actresses in Tinseltown alone; so you might wanna' get your facts straight the next time you aim that hater-dust!
Amount of Shaking Needed: (Level Five) I suspect Howard’s REAL reason for attacking Gabby was for ratings. I say shake him ‘til that ‘Jheri-Curl-for-White-Guys' he’s been rockin’ for three decades runs out of activator. Then give him a hug — attention-whores need love, too. 9. Robin Quivers:
Why She’s Full of **** … As Howard’s longtime co-host and string-less puppet, Robin could have spoken up as a formerly full-figured sista herself instead of chiming in on the Gabby-bashing. I get that Ms. Quivers has a job to do, but she’s no more scripted than Stern and should have her own opinion … (although I suspect she signed over her rights to voice it along with her ‘hood-pass and ability to buy a decent bra).
Amount of Shaking Needed: (Level 9) Robin committed high treason: crimes against her own kind and needs to be shaken until that nauseating nasal voice of hers gets it’s ethnicity back … or do we need to start the race-trade negations now?
8. John Mayer:
Why He’s Full of **** … Rock stars are a pretty self-indulgent group as it is, but John Mayer’s career-crucifying behavior makes Kanye seem like a Boy Scout with wings! He’s not only infamous for canoodling exclusively with red carpet A-listers (thus brokering his penis as a marketing tool for media exposure), but he’s a kiss-and-tell boyfriend as well (the ultimate beeyotch move). If I were he I’d start saving my checks now before the VH1 “Where Are They Now?” special in 2018.
Amount of Shaking Needed: (Level Five) Normally the self-destructing behavior of one vainglorious musician is not grounds for shaking, but after reading that he referred to his member as “David Duke” regarding his distaste towards sistas, and his use of the N-word; I believe his shaking is long overdue! As for him not liking black women, it’s all good ‘cuz I suspect that it’s only his music that’s “deep” anyway … (nothing more to see here people, move along).
7. Fantasia’s Family:
Why They’re Full of ****… Now, I like ‘Tasia and I’ve been rooting for her since ”American Idol,” so when I heard she was getting her own reality show ( presumably to repair her damaged public persona )
I had my fingers crossed it wouldn’t be another hot-ghetto-mess .
Well, I guess I should have crossed my legs, toes and my eyes ‘cuz that family of hers puts the funk in dysfunction! No wonder she’s always screaming, carrying on and leaning down like her back is broken when she sings, she’s carrying the weight of her grown-@$$ family on her shoulders!
Amount of Shaking Needed: (Level 2): It’s really her own business to let her Mama and ‘nem mooch off her so I recommend a gentle shake and reality check about reality shows: Take a note from Keyshia Cole’s experience and kick all of them ( especially “Teeny”) out the house, off the air and put them on T-shirt and potato salad committee for the next family reunion!
6. Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin’s baby’s daddy:
Why He’s Full of ****... I don’t dislike or like Sarah Palin but I admire her for not paying one of the Alaskan hockey teams to beat the puck out of this loser for the way he’s gleefully toyed with her daughter’s heart and sold out their family name; exchanging secrets and hearsay with the whole world for his 15 minutes. The only good thing abut this guy is that he’s claimed the No. 1 spot as the national “Baby-Daddy Bum-of-the-Year” award from the bruhs, something I know helps Lil' Wayne sleep better at night.
Amount of Shaking Needed: (Level 7) Levi is a butt-munch of the first degree so I suggest Sarah and Bristol strap him to one of those Bullwinkles they’ve got in the backyard, no doubt and let it ‘Moose-Shake’ him till that smugness pukes out of him! Read the rest on "Rolling Out".com @Top 10 People Who Need the Sugar Honey Ice Tea Shaken Out of Them!
I'm just a bill.
Yes, the "Heath Care Reform Bill".
And I'm sitting here on Capitol Hill.
Well, it's a long, long process
to the capital city.
Ya’ gotta’ kiss alotta’ @ss,
It can get grimy and kinda’ sh*tty.
But I know I'll be a law some-daaaaaay!
So much frustration I feel, just being the Health Care Reform Bill.
The Kid: I’m so sorry Mr. Bill, you sure gotta lot of ‘issues,’ why don’t you just go on home, go back to the way things were before?
Bill: Well, I’ve come too far to go back now, son. When I first started, I wasn't even a bill, I was just a crazy dream to some folks who watched loved ones work hard all their lives and then die because they didn’t have proper coverage. So a man with a funny name called Barack Obama decided if he was elected president, all people could have the same rights to health care, just like in other countries. So they wrote me out, introduced me to Congress and I became and will stay a bill until I become a law.
So I'm only a bill .
Yes, the Heath Care Reform Bill.
Memorable credits include:Soul Food, Kill Bill, Two Can Play That Game, Set It Off, and a host of other chitin’ circuit flicks perfect for BET.
Always typecast as: Ghetto, street-smart home-girl with a sexy and sassy attitude!
She should “flip the script” as: An older, respectable church mother of the community with zero-sex appeal and a tendency to breakout into long, soul-stirring monologues. If Vivica ever wants Oscar gold, it’s time to hang up her hat as the deputy sheriff of “Cougar Town,” stop catering to the young “50 Cent” crowd and take on some 50-and-over kind of acting roles that doesn’t rely on soul-sista-swagga and saying anything that sounds like “Heyyyyyyy Gurrrrrl!”
9. Samuel L. Jackson:
Memorable credits include:Pulp Fiction, Snakes On a Plane, A Time To Kill, The Negotiator, Jungle Fever, Mo Better Blues, Shaft, the Star Wars trilogy, and about 5,000 others roles; NOBODY works more than Samuel L. Jackson! (He might be part Jamaican and Mexican on his mama’s side.)
Always typecast as: The LOUDEST and baddest mutha-@$*!%# in the room!
He should “flip the script” as: A subtle, more nuanced role of a humble, much-put-upon, old black man in the Jim Crow South. It is a travesty that Jackson doesn’t have an Oscar yet; I think the academy needs to see him as a broken character triumphing over trials and tribulations to see his depth as an actor. ... Or maybe they were just too scared to vote for him before!
8. Lucy Liu:
Memorable credits include:Charlie's Angels 1 and 2, Kill Bill: Vol. 1, Mulan II, Chicago, Shanghai Noon, and several other flicks where she practices the ancient Chinese secret of …"Sly-Grin-Scowl.”
Always typecast as: Bad-ass Asian chick with a sexy but slightly psychotic glare.
She should “flip the script” as: Anything but an Asian woman, I suggest playing a white man OR even a black woman for a change. (It was good enough for Eddie Murphy, Tyler Perry and Martin Lawrence.) Liu has only slightly altered the character Ling she played on “Ally McBeal” into every part she’s done … as well as added some Kung-Fu fighting into her repertoire. Moving past her own ethnicity and on-screen sexuality would be good for Lucy, hell she could even do “The Tiger Woods” story, at least one third of the part wouldn’t be a stretch.
7. Jack Nicholson:
Memorable credits include:One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Terms of Endearment, Prizzi's Honor, A Few Good Men, Batman, and a plethora of other movie roles that will keep-on-a-coming — even if he’s wheelchair bound and on life support.
Always typecast as: Jack Nicholson
He should “flip the script” as: The valiant hero in a sci-fi flick willing to place his life over others for the greater good. Now I LOVE “wacky-jacky” and clearly he doesn’t need the money OR Oscars. He can keep sneering, face-muggin’ with the eyebrows and spittin’ out hilarious, cranky-old-man diatribes as long as Hollywood will let him; BUT it would be cool to see a change for once. Although I suspect that neither you nor I can handle the truth, … I mean the change.
6. Morris Chestnut:
Memorable credits include:Boyz n the Hood, The Best Man, The Brothers, Two Can Play That Game, Breakin' All the Rules, and pretty much anything with Gabrielle Union in it.
Always typecast as: Sexual-chocolate, man-candy.
He should “flip the script” as: A somewhat deformed and manipulative serial killer. I know playing a bad guy might seem like career suicide but it would give Chestnut a chance to evolve beyond the beefcake lover-man he plays in almost every movie; honestly I’ve seen kiddie pools that were deeper. Besides his fans are loyal, he could be Jack-The-Ripper and they’d still be dreaming of him chopping them up … *sigh* but with love. Read The Rest @Top 10 Actors Stuck in a Rut
** Please note, these are not actual quotes from Pat Robertson, nor are these projects and organizations real, it's merely conjecture about how he might respond to certain ideas and situations. In other words, it's strictly satire folks.
10. “Project Haitian-Elevation”
The Agenda: Emergency aid for the citizens of Haiti by providing food, drinking water, medical supplies, shelter and reconstruction fund.
Rev. Robertson's Reason for Rejecting: “Fasting is good for the soul, besides if those folks had simply worked with the French instead of ol' “you-know-who,” they'd be eating croissants and French toast right now instead of stealing … which is a sin ... NEXT!
9. “The Big Easy Building Fund”
The Agenda: Continuing where FEMA, the Red Cross and other organizations left off, houses are to be built in the 9th Ward of New Orleans for the remaining homeless families during the tragic flood of 2005.
Rev. Robertson's Reason for Rejecting: “People lived off the land in the Bible, why should these folks be any different or why didn’t they simply come in from the storm? They were probably too busy: boozing, bumpin’ and grindin’ and baby butchering … which are all sins … yep, too busy to even notice … NEXT!
8. “WTC Awareness Day and Silent Art Auction”
The Agenda: An annual commemorative art show in honor of the World Trade Center victims of the horrific Sept. 11 terrorist attacks; all proceeds will be donated to the memorial fund.
Rev. Robertson's Reason for Rejecting: “ Awareness Day?"... It’s too late to be aware now, if the people in that city had been more aware of their hell-bound ways … and being hell-bound is a sin … those bearded menaces would have realized who the REAL co-pilot in charge was and simply landed on the roof! ...NEXT!.....Besides, I have enough art in my house; and on velvet too!
7. “G.L.A.A.D. 4 KIDS Inc.”The Agenda: An extension of the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation organization, “GLAAD 4 kids” is working to help gay youth deal effectively with discrimination and harassment.
Rev. Robertson's Reason for Rejecting: “Train up a child in the way he should go, NOT train him to join any groups of freaky sexual perversion that wear sissy clothing and tight leather! My Lawd; my flesh is burning hot just thinking about something so 'sin-hellacious’ … And no, not THAT way, either … NEXT project ! ... NEXT! ... NEXT!
Rosie “I-eat-Trumps-like-you-for breakfast” O’Donnell...versus... Adam “American Midol” Lambeth
It would seem that Rosie would win this decision hands down from her long, preachy “Gays-got-it-going-on-" diatribes from her days on “The View,” her TMI true confessions of "Lesbians-gone-wild" romps with ex-girlfriend Kelly to the self-indulgent video-blog whining (seriously Rosie ... seriously?)
THE DECISION GOES TO:
I'mma have to rule in favor of new kid on the block, the contender, Adam!
He’s the clear-cut winner and most annoying due to last year’s b*tch-fest about how his shocking and cutting-edge homoerotic AMA performance was not accepted like Madonna’s shocking and cutting- edge homoerotic AMA performance in years past.
...Um, she’s Madonna and you’re this year’s Bo Bice, take your prize-belt and wait for that call from VH1 “American Idol Stars, Where Are They Now?” Until then continue to pimp the flag of gay pride, may it forever wave fab-u-lousssssssssly!
9. MOST “FOR-THE-PEOPLE” RADIO PERSONALITY:
Steve“Buy my book”Harvey.... versus...Tom “Fly-Jock”Joyner
Hmmmm, to be clear: BOTH newcomer Harvey and veteran Joyner do their part as the voices for civil rights blended with the best old skool and new skool jams on the air. BOTH have their fingers on the pulse of the black community reporting on everything from all-things-Obama, national and local cases of racism to lesser-discussed issues within the race itself. Steve may have entered the arena with a clear-cut jab to Tom’s lack of spiritual presence with his well-loved morning testimonials, but Tom will always earn extra points for his “Take-a loved-one-to-the-doctor-day,” HBCU Foundation and tours, and all-around-philanthropy. Tom occasionally slipped with dry, guest moderators and lost much momentum before the unceremonious dismissal of Uncle Tom … *ahem* I meanTavis Smiley, during the elections, but recovered when listeners got tired of the often coonish, “Amos-N-Andy” antics of Steve and Tommy and ran to flip the dial before commercial break.
THE DECISION GOES TO:
The people have spoken: TOM JOYNER by a "FKO!" (Free-money knock-out)
Now that the “TJMS” show has trimmed it’s once bloated cast down to the principal three players Tom, Sybil and J. Anthony Brown their chemistry is in sync with the show’s generosity, after all Tom gives out money every hour, and who wouldn’t want that?
8. CRAZIEST WHITE CHICK SINGER ON THE SCENE:
Britney “Bald and Beautiful”Spears....versus....Lady “Vampira”Gaga
The champ, Britney earned her lightweight belt (and straight jacket to match) a few years ago when she married her once anonymous backup singer, “K-Fed” hatched two kids with him and then dumped him via text message after two years. What proceeded was nuthin’ but a pure “Crazy-like-that-glue” public relations nightmare: shaving her head bald, beating her ex’s car with an umbrella, almost dropping her kids and driving them around without a seat belt and last but not least ... walking around with no panties on and flashing her Va-jay-jay!
(Which as my mama would say is not only crazy but "just plain stank")
THE DECISION GOES TO:
Who else, ‘Brit-Brit’ by a landslide; the contender Lady Gaga, didn’t even have a chance!
Although Gaga comes off a bit ... well, "gaga" (the name fits) her media-whoredom is more crazy like a fox than being really bona-fide bonkers and has created the necessary attention to stay in the spotlight these days. Although Miz Spears was facing some stiff competition from Rehab-Queen Amy Wino-house and eternally-angry P!NK for nuttiest siren ever, let’s face it: Britney is one "Toxic” boyfriend away from donning a black, Columbine trench coat ... and if she does, the inevitable No. 1 hit she’ll do about "scorned love and revenge" will touch millions of her fans all the way from her padded pink cell.
10. The “You Lie!” outburst from SC Rep. Joe Wilson: …and just when you thought the Rethuglicans couldn’t sink any lower, this redneck cuts off the president as if they’re having the Joint Congressional Address at “Magic City” and he didn’t get his lap-dance yet! I mean, weren't we ALL taught in Kindergarten it’s rude to interrupt other people when they are speaking? I guess some folks just never learn to play well with others, do they?
President Obama’s REAL Response: He accepted Wilson’s lame apology.
The “Negro Dialect” Option: “Ohhh Snap, I KNOW somebody ain’t tryin’ to bogard my shine up in here... and who you callin’ a LIE? How ‘bout I’m gonna’ LIE my foot up whoever’s @ss that said that! Michelle, hold me down baby...they don’t EVEN know!"
9. “That One” comment by John McCain to Obama during the debates: Who could forget Senator McCain looking every bit the ‘Crazy-@ss old codger-candidate’ that he was as he paced back and forth, muttering under his breath because he was losing to ‘That One’! He couldn’t even look Obama in the eye, much less refer to him by his name.
President Obama’s REAL Response: He dismissed it.
The “Negro Dialect” Option: "Um, why can’t you call me by what my mama and ‘nem named me, huh?...say what, say what? My name is Barack Hussein Oooo-Baaa-Maaa, say-it-with-me-now…OBAMA! …and what is “That One” spose’ to mean anyhow, is that the new ‘N-word’ or somethin?"
8. “The Beer Summit” : So ludicrous was the arrest of sixty-something year old revered public intellectual, author and Harvard professor , Dr. Henry Louis Gates at his own home; I’m sure he was looking for goofy-@ss Ashton Kutcher to pop out any moment with cameras and the MTV van! *Siiiigh* It was real though and when President Obama commented on his dear friend’s humiliating ordeal the arresting officer basically told the leader of the free world “NUNYA “and that it was a local matter not for the president (although he did eagerly accept the invite for cold brewskies on the White House lawn…)
President Obama’s REAL Response: Officer Crawley refused to apologize for racial profiling not to mention his retaliating against Dr. Gate's ‘Uppity-Negro’ behavior, instead President Obama was the one that apologized for ‘butting in’....
The “Negro Dialect” Option: "Awww dayummmm, you-musta’-lost-your-flat-footed-mind if you think I’mma let you mess with my dawg, Skip Gates!…(HARVARD, where you at?...STAND UP! )Naw, you misunderstood officer; I didn’t say ‘Teachable Moment’… I said “BEAT-able moment!’ …Secret Service….um, handle this!"
7. “ The Elizabeth Hasselbeck” Factor: Every show has it’s villain and in the case of the daily cluck-fest ‘The View”, Elizabeth is not only the show’s resident evil, token-right winger but the biggest critic of President Obama…every day. From day one Elizabeth has slammed him for everything from his association with Reverend Wright, his ‘idealistic’ campaign promises to pretty much blaming him for all of Bush’s mess. Any day now I’m sure ‘Politico-Barbie’ will connect him with the ‘911bombings’, ‘Hurricane Katrina” and the suspicious cancellation of the television series "The Game”!
President Obama’s REAL Response: He once asked how she would feel if someone compiled a media clip of her five stupidest gaffes, other than that he ignores her.
The “Negro Dialect” Option: "Dayummm, b*tch will you get off my back already??!
You don’t even know me like that to be coming out yo’ mouth with all this yackity-smackity! I’m handling mines, ‘K’….get-at-me-in-2012 when the economy is back on the rise….now run-tell-dat!"
6. The White House party crashers: In our country’s current “War-On-Terrorism-Big Brother is Watching” state, how could this even happen? Nevertheless, these fame-whores just strolled right on up to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue like it was a “Starbucks” or somethin’ and partied with the Commander-In-Chief! Most of us couldn’t get past the front gate at one of Diddy’s ‘White Parties’ in The Hamptons, let alone The White House??? Beyond the disrespect and blatant incompetence of the secret-service, that kooky couple’s proximity to the president and the 1st lady was almost too dangerous to fathom, making many of us wonder would that have happened with any other president…and I think we all know the answer to that one.
President Obama’s REAL Response: He calmly expressed his displeasure; saying “I’m unhappy with everybody who was involved in the process; it was a screw-up that won’t happen again"
The “Negro Dialect” Option: "OH-HELL-TO-THE-NAW!!!! Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind……( wait for it)…. UP IN HERE, …UP IN HERE! .. Whatchu’ mean “I’m sorry sir, it was a security breech??” Who y’all secret-servicing for …the Klan??
Now sit-yo-five-dollar-@sses-down-before-I-make-change;...never liked any of ya’ anyway; pretty-Men-In-Black-lookin’ -@#!^%*&$#+=@’s"
5.The “NY Post” Cartoon with the dead monkey: Back in February of last year, a cartoonist thought it would be hilarious to draw police shooting a monkey dead and apparently this very same monkey wrote the stimulus bill( that’s some primate!)
This cartoon debuted a day after President Obama signed the economic recovery bill
thus leading many to protest; including Al Sharpton who felt The “NY Post's” comparison between a dead, bill-signing monkey and our nations’ president was as about as subtle as Frankenstein ( and probably more evil)
President Obama’s REAL Response: None on the record, although the editor apologized (sort of, all the while defending the cartoon)
The “Negro Dialect” Option: "Ohhhhh, I’m supposed to be a monkey now?
I tell you, if it ain’t one thing it’s another. Well, I got your monkey-bar right here pawt-nuh’.... SWING ON THIS, BEEYOTCH!"
4. “TheNew Yorker” cover featuring Barack Obama and Michelle Obama: It’s hard to believe that almost two years ago, one badly-drawn magazine cover could stir up so many different emotions in the hearts and minds of Americans. Those who were pro-Obama felt “The New Yorker” cover : which featured a turban-wearing, Muslim-ish Obama and a AK-47 toting, terrorist-looking Michelle ‘fist-bumping’ in conspiracy while the American flag burns from behind, was the LAST image that needed to be planted in the heads of voters-on-the-fence. Naturally, if you were against Obama, you called it merely good-natured ‘satire’. I had a LOT of names to call that cartoon; satire wasn’t one of them…or funny for that matter.
President Obama’s REAL Response: He didn’t, only to say “No Comment”
The “Negro Dialect” Option: "This is some fraggle-nackle bull right here! First they condemn me for being down with Reverend Wright and now I’m a Muslim??.. Hmmm, I think I know exactly where to trim the fat off for the next stimulus plan."
3. Rush Limbaugh’s “Obama The Magic Negro” song: Amidst a long list of never-ending, anti-propaganda against Barack Obama during the 2008 election, Rush Limbaugh thought it would be funny to play (ad nauseum) a racist song parody of “Puff The Magic Dragon” about a: “non threatening Great-Black-Hope who will ease feelings of white guilt over slavery and racial injustice and win the election”. It must have worked …Awww, Rush should be soooo proud!
President Obama’s REAL Response: No comment.
The“Negro Dialect” Option: "What-evah man, if you wanna’ do a song so bad, make one about yo’-self! How ‘bout “Rush The Cigar-Smoking Dragon” …OR better yet “Rush The puffy-faced-pill-poppin’-fat-@ss who’s-about-to-catch-a-case”… sing-along-to that!"
2. "Drunken Negro Face" cookies (in honor of Obama): Now these cookies ain’t from those cute Keebler elves in the tree-house, more like a dumb troll in Greenwich village who somehow thought his crass culinary concoctions would be non-offensive. Whether this idiot baker believed his own bullsh#t or not, he got what he wanted….national attention along with hate mail that is probably displayed prominently in his bakery, right next to his swastika collection.
President Obama’s REAL Response: No comment.
The“Negro Dialect” Option: "Whaaat? Now I got ‘baker-haters’ makin’ hate cookies and sayin’ I’m gonna’ live out Abraham Lincoln’s legacy??? That’s some tough talk for a man who wears an apron all day…I’m sayin’. Oooh, I wish-a-baker-would!... How ‘bout I do MY job and you do yours, doughboy!"
.and the number 1# hater President Obama could have used ‘Negro- Dialect’ on is ( drum roll please)…. TheFOX News Channel:
What most folks would call disrespect bordering on obsession, is really a daily ‘Obama love-infestation’ over at the conservative-bent FOX news: with all the attention from the feud between the current administration and them, viewers are tuning in and FOX’s ratings ( and fear) are up now more than ever…why, they should send him a card, without the ‘Obama-Drama’ they wouldn't have a show! Aside from being the first broadcast network to turn down a request by President Barack Obama to air a news conference they seem to take turns between Glen Beck, Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly and very soon Sara Palin between who can find more holes in the health plan, and in Beck’s case comparing the president to ‘Marxism’ and even Hitler ( and if that ain’t the rope calling the Klan hat white…) Maybe they should make it into a game with tequila shots…then again they probably already do ,between commercials.
President Obama’s REAL Response: He suggested that they weren’t operating as a news outlet but with a format suited more for “talk radio” and that “it's not something I'm losing sleep over."
The “Negro Dialect”Option: (Singing) “You can hate me now, but I won’t stop now…you think I’ve come this far to let you stop me now?...I ain’t gon’ ever stop!"
YOUR WEEKLY TOP 10 PRESENTS ...Oscar Moments We DIDN'T Hear About........
10. Kanye West snatches the Oscar for Best Movie: AVATAR out of James Cameron’s hand claiming, ”No disrespect but E.T. was the best alien ever,” only to be quickly silenced by the Terminator, another one of Cameron’s creations and his personal bodyguard ever since.
9. Lady Gaga has a wardrobe malfunction on the red carpet revealing that she’s not only a dude but actually Dennis Rodman, who has been in drag the whole time. (Wow, that Rick Baker is amazing!) Not surprising, he-she remains poker-faced the entire time.
8. Not to be undone by her former lover or the latest hot, young ingenue, Madonna takes the red-carpet-fashion game to another level by arriving completely naked. Sadly, her botox injections and anti-wrinkle cream have worn off, prompting several onlookers to ask, “Why didn't Madonna iron her dress?”
7. After exchanging harsh words in interviews for over a year, Spike Lee finally decides to squash his beef with Tyler Perry and turn his hate on director Lee Daniels for both stealing part of his name and being nominated for best director without the use of drag queens, casting himself in any of the roles, relentless product-promotion and the obvious absence of cosmetics on the set!
6. The animated feature The Princess and the Frog takes home an Academy Award, unfortunately it’s for best "Human-to-Amphibian-Transformation” infuriating the African American community again, thus Kermit the Frog is asked to accept the Oscar on behalf of the cast. Disney execs are happy, but Mickey Mouse couldn’t be reached for comment.
WELCOME TO THE "YOUR WEEKLY TOP TEN" BLOG-SITE ......
*Welcome to the official archive and blog-site for "Your Weekly Top Ten";a 'strictly-for-laughs' humor column that counts down the A-to-Z in pop-culture and politics. I've been writing and drawing "Your Weekly Top Ten" for about two years now ( originally co-written with John Riddick for about three month but I've been flying solo ever since) "Rolling Out" magazine.com started publishing my column in 2009, debuting the week of the Halloween issue. I've only included columns from that point out on here, omitting only a few. Just click on the link to read them in their enitety and ENJOY........
My name is Lena J. (nee' Hopkins) Jackson; but in this case the 'J' is for my middle name, Janelle. I'm a full-time cartoonist, part-time columnist, self-published author, sporadic painter, occasional spoken-word poet, devoted art teacher, round-the-clock friend and I WAS BORN A DIVA!
