Your Weekly Top Ten: April 2010

Friday, April 30, 2010

'No Longer Still Just a Bill,' Health Care Reform Remix

(To be sung to the tune of Schoolhouse Rock’s “I’m Just A Bill”)
CHECK OUT MY ANIMATED VIDEO @ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFwcPk_5_yE

I'm just a bill.
Yes, the "Heath Care Reform Bill".
And I'm sitting here on Capitol Hill.
Well, it's a long, long process

to the capital city.
Ya’ gotta’ kiss alotta’ @ss,

It can get grimy and kinda’ sh*tty.
But I know I'll be a law some-daaaaaay!
So much frustration I feel, just being the Health Care Reform Bill.

The Kid: I’m so sorry Mr. Bill, you sure gotta lot of ‘issues,’ why don’t you just go on home, go back to the way things were before?

Bill: Well, I’ve come too far to go back now, son. When I first started, I wasn't even a bill, I was just a crazy dream to some folks who watched loved ones work hard all their lives and then die because they didn’t have proper coverage. So a man with a funny name called Barack Obama decided if he was elected president, all people could have the same rights to health care, just like in other countries. So they wrote me out, introduced me to Congress and I became and will stay a bill until I become a law.

So I'm only a bill .
Yes, the Heath Care Reform Bill.

I feel as useful as a 5-year-old Viagra pill.

I hear some folks talkin’ about me

as I sit out here and wait........

Read the rest at "Rolling Out".com @ 'No Longer Still Just a Bill,' Health Care Reform Remix

Thursday, April 29, 2010

"Top 10 Actors Stuck in a Rut"

10. Vivica A. Fox:

Memorable credits include:Soul Food, Kill Bill, Two Can Play That Game, Set It Off, and a host of other chitin’ circuit flicks perfect for BET.

Always typecast as: Ghetto, street-smart home-girl with a sexy and sassy attitude!

She should “flip the script” as: An older, respectable church mother of the community with zero-sex appeal and a tendency to breakout into long, soul-stirring monologues. If Vivica ever wants Oscar gold, it’s time to hang up her hat as the deputy sheriff of “Cougar Town,” stop catering to the young “50 Cent” crowd and take on some 50-and-over kind of acting roles that doesn’t rely on soul-sista-swagga and saying anything that sounds like “Heyyyyyyy Gurrrrrl!”

9. Samuel L. Jackson:

Memorable credits include:Pulp Fiction, Snakes On a Plane, A Time To Kill, The Negotiator, Jungle Fever, Mo Better Blues, Shaft, the Star Wars trilogy, and about 5,000 others roles; NOBODY works more than Samuel L. Jackson! (He might be part Jamaican and Mexican on his mama’s side.)

Always typecast as: The LOUDEST and baddest mutha-@$*!%# in the room!

He should “flip the script” as: A subtle, more nuanced role of a humble, much-put-upon, old black man in the Jim Crow South. It is a travesty that Jackson doesn’t have an Oscar yet; I think the academy needs to see him as a broken character triumphing over trials and tribulations to see his depth as an actor. ... Or maybe they were just too scared to vote for him before!

8. Lucy Liu:

Memorable credits include:Charlie's Angels 1 and 2, Kill Bill: Vol. 1, Mulan II, Chicago, Shanghai Noon, and several other flicks where she practices the ancient Chinese secret of …"Sly-Grin-Scowl.”

Always typecast as: Bad-ass Asian chick with a sexy but slightly psychotic glare.

She should “flip the script” as: Anything but an Asian woman, I suggest playing a white man OR even a black woman for a change. (It was good enough for Eddie Murphy, Tyler Perry and Martin Lawrence.) Liu has only slightly altered the character Ling she played on “Ally McBeal” into every part she’s done … as well as added some Kung-Fu fighting into her repertoire. Moving past her own ethnicity and on-screen sexuality would be good for Lucy, hell she could even do “The Tiger Woods” story, at least one third of the part wouldn’t be a stretch.

7. Jack Nicholson:

Memorable credits include:One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Terms of Endearment, Prizzi's Honor, A Few Good Men, Batman, and a plethora of other movie roles that will keep-on-a-coming — even if he’s wheelchair bound and on life support.

Always typecast as: Jack Nicholson

He should “flip the script” as: The valiant hero in a sci-fi flick willing to place his life over others for the greater good. Now I LOVE “wacky-jacky” and clearly he doesn’t need the money OR Oscars. He can keep sneering, face-muggin’ with the eyebrows and spittin’ out hilarious, cranky-old-man diatribes as long as Hollywood will let him; BUT it would be cool to see a change for once. Although I suspect that neither you nor I can handle the truth, … I mean the change.

6. Morris Chestnut:

Memorable credits include: Boyz n the Hood, The Best Man, The Brothers, Two Can Play That Game, Breakin' All the Rules, and pretty much anything with Gabrielle Union in it.

Always typecast as: Sexual-chocolate, man-candy.

He should “flip the script” as: A somewhat deformed and manipulative serial killer. I know playing a bad guy might seem like career suicide but it would give Chestnut a chance to evolve beyond the beefcake lover-man he plays in almost every movie; honestly I’ve seen kiddie pools that were deeper. Besides his fans are loyal, he could be Jack-The-Ripper and they’d still be dreaming of him chopping them up … *sigh* but with love.

Read The Rest @ Top 10 Actors Stuck in a Rut

The Rev. Pat Robertson’s TOP 10 Ministry Outreach REJECTS!

** Please note, these are not actual quotes from Pat Robertson, nor are these projects and organizations real, it's merely conjecture about how he might respond to certain ideas and situations. In other words, it's strictly satire folks.

10. “Project Haitian-Elevation”

The Agenda: Emergency aid for the citizens of Haiti by providing food, drinking water, medical supplies, shelter and reconstruction fund.

Rev. Robertson's Reason for Rejecting: “Fasting is good for the soul, besides if those folks had simply worked with the French instead of ol' “you-know-who,” they'd be eating croissants and French toast right now instead of stealing … which is a sin ... NEXT!

9. “The Big Easy Building Fund”

The Agenda: Continuing where FEMA, the Red Cross and other organizations left off, houses are to be built in the 9th Ward of New Orleans for the remaining homeless families during the tragic flood of 2005.

Rev. Robertson's Reason for Rejecting: “People lived off the land in the Bible, why should these folks be any different or why didn’t they simply come in from the storm? They were probably too busy: boozing, bumpin’ and grindin’ and baby butchering … which are all sins … yep, too busy to even notice … NEXT!

8. “WTC Awareness Day and Silent Art Auction”

The Agenda: An annual commemorative art show in honor of the World Trade Center victims of the horrific Sept. 11 terrorist attacks; all proceeds will be donated to the memorial fund.

Rev. Robertson's Reason for Rejecting: “ Awareness Day?"... It’s too late to be aware now, if the people in that city had been more aware of their hell-bound ways … and being hell-bound is a sin … those bearded menaces would have realized who the REAL co-pilot in charge was and simply landed on the roof! ...NEXT!.....Besides, I have enough art in my house; and on velvet too!

7. “G.L.A.A.D. 4 KIDS Inc.”

The Agenda: An extension of the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation organization, “GLAAD 4 kids” is working to help gay youth deal effectively with discrimination and harassment.

Rev. Robertson's Reason for Rejecting: “Train up a child in the way he should go, NOT train him to join any groups of freaky sexual perversion that wear sissy clothing and tight leather!
My Lawd; my flesh is burning hot just thinking about something so 'sin-hellacious’ … And no, not THAT way, either … NEXT project ! ... NEXT! ... NEXT!

Read the rest at "Rolling Out".com @ The Rev. Pat Robertson’s TOP 10 Ministry Outreach REJECTS!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Top 10 Best of the Best Slamdowns

10. Most Annoying Gay Celebrity

Rosie “I-eat-Trumps-like-you-for breakfast” O’Donnell...versus... Adam “American Midol” Lambeth

It would seem that Rosie would win this decision hands down from her long, preachy “Gays-got-it-going-on-" diatribes from her days on “The View,” her TMI true confessions of "Lesbians-gone-wild" romps with ex-girlfriend Kelly to the self-indulgent video-blog whining (seriously Rosie ... seriously?)

THE DECISION GOES TO:

I'mma have to rule in favor of new kid on the block, the contender, Adam!

He’s the clear-cut winner and most annoying due to last year’s b*tch-fest about how his shocking and cutting-edge homoerotic AMA performance was not accepted like Madonna’s shocking and cutting- edge homoerotic AMA performance in years past.

...Um, she’s Madonna and you’re this year’s Bo Bice, take your prize-belt and wait for that call from VH1 “American Idol Stars, Where Are They Now?” Until then continue to pimp the flag of gay pride, may it forever wave fab-u-lousssssssssly!

9. MOST “FOR-THE-PEOPLE” RADIO PERSONALITY:

Steve “Buy my book” Harvey.... versus... Tom “Fly-Jock” Joyner

Hmmmm, to be clear: BOTH newcomer Harvey and veteran Joyner do their part as the voices for civil rights blended with the best old skool and new skool jams on the air. BOTH have their fingers on the pulse of the black community reporting on everything from all-things-Obama, national and local cases of racism to lesser-discussed issues within the race itself. Steve may have entered the arena with a clear-cut jab to Tom’s lack of spiritual presence with his well-loved morning testimonials, but Tom will always earn extra points for his “Take-a loved-one-to-the-doctor-day,” HBCU Foundation and tours, and all-around-philanthropy. Tom occasionally slipped with dry, guest moderators and lost much momentum before the unceremonious dismissal of Uncle Tom … *ahem* I mean Tavis Smiley, during the elections, but recovered when listeners got tired of the often coonish, “Amos-N-Andy” antics of Steve and Tommy and ran to flip the dial before commercial break.

THE DECISION GOES TO:

The people have spoken: TOM JOYNER by a "FKO!" (Free-money knock-out)

Now that the “TJMS” show has trimmed it’s once bloated cast down to the principal three players Tom, Sybil and J. Anthony Brown their chemistry is in sync with the show’s generosity, after all Tom gives out money every hour, and who wouldn’t want that?

8. CRAZIEST WHITE CHICK SINGER ON THE SCENE:

Britney “Bald and Beautiful” Spears ....versus.... Lady “Vampira” Gaga

The champ, Britney earned her lightweight belt (and straight jacket to match) a few years ago when she married her once anonymous backup singer, “K-Fed” hatched two kids with him and then dumped him via text message after two years. What proceeded was nuthin’ but a pure “Crazy-like-that-glue” public relations nightmare: shaving her head bald, beating her ex’s car with an umbrella, almost dropping her kids and driving them around without a seat belt and last but not least ... walking around with no panties on and flashing her Va-jay-jay!

(Which as my mama would say is not only crazy but "just plain stank")

THE DECISION GOES TO:

Who else, ‘Brit-Brit’ by a landslide; the contender Lady Gaga, didn’t even have a chance!

Although Gaga comes off a bit ... well, "gaga" (the name fits) her media-whoredom is more crazy like a fox than being really bona-fide bonkers and has created the necessary attention to stay in the spotlight these days. Although Miz Spears was facing some stiff competition from Rehab-Queen Amy Wino-house and eternally-angry P!NK for nuttiest siren ever, let’s face it: Britney is one "Toxic” boyfriend away from donning a black, Columbine trench coat ... and if she does, the inevitable No. 1 hit she’ll do about "scorned love and revenge" will touch millions of her fans all the way from her padded pink cell.

7. MOST OVERRATED BOOTY IN THE BIZNESS:

Read the rest @ "Rolling Out" com @ The Top 10 Best of the Best Slamdowns