THE TOP TEN *UNTELEVISED* MOMENTS OF THE BET 2010 AWARDS

                         Written and Illustrated by Lena Hopkins-Jackson

10. Legendary songstress Patti Labelle’s infamous shoe-throwing-antics ends badly during her tribute to Prince when she hits one of Drake’s entourage members who boomerangs it into Chaka Khan’s hair. ..Never to be seen (or worn) ever again.

9. Nicki Minaj has a major wardrobe dysfunction while changing into yet another one of her “ UniverSoul Circus” wigs, and  picks one that has still has Lil’ Kim attached to it!!!….( *Dang, Nicki…the expression is steal from the best and make it your OWN, not steal the best and make HER your own!*)

On a positive note, Lil’ Kim is able to rap over Nicki’s lip-synching thus giving Nicki’s performance some much-needed authenticity!

8. BET Chief-Executive-Officer and illuminati field-agent, Debra Lee announces that the network will officially change it’s name from BET to EBT ( Ebonics & Buffoonery Television) and then reveals what was  REALLY hiding underneath her massive “1000 dead pink-flamingos” dress……a food stamps swiping machine!

7. During the “Teddy Pendergrass thong waving tribute”; somebody’s XXL granny panties lands on singer Tyrese momentarily blinding his already squinty eyes. Fortunately everything is cleared up & aired out (literally) though when BET talk-show host Mo’Nique scoops them up & puts them back on….no harm done really, it wasn’t Mo’Sexy or Mo’Classy but it was at least….. Mo’kay.

6. A post-show announcement is made that the “Tiny & Toya”  Reality show  will now offer the much-needed  foreign language  subtitles for the upper east coast viewing audience and actresses Wendy Raquel Robinson and Taraji P. Henson will be getting their own reality show “Loud & Proud “ as a new season replacement for “College Hill” ( which based on BET staff research is responsible for increased enrollment amongst Black students, which means they won’t have time to watch videos and therefore in violation of the BET vision statement )

5. Alicia Key’s gets so excited to perform during the Prince tribute that she gives birth , even more bizarre the baby swings down from the umbilical cord and starts immediately playin’ on the same piano his mom was just gyrating & grinding on ..now that’s talent!!!

 4. MaShonda Beatz ( Swizz’s wife.....um, for now) bum-rushes the stage during Alicia’s song and calls her out as a shameful home-wrecker, only to be pushed aside by Kanye who declares that although he’s sorry for interrupting …( um, again) and that he’ll let Alicia finish her affair…. but Gabrielle Union STILL has the worst home-wrecker record of all time…OF-ALL-TIME!

3. Wendy & Lisa , Vanity 6, Sheila E, Appollonia, Morris Day, Rosie Gaines and members of both The  New Power Generation and The Revolution perform a Prince medley, giving “His Royal Badness” the tribute  his fans REALLY wanted to see…everybody he made a star finally giving him his props 

( ungrateful bastards!); followed by a brief & touching presentation by “Maybelline”, Dark & Lovely” & “Soft-Sheen” home-relaxer products.

2.      Instead of Queen Latifah coming out in a different costume every 15 minutes, let’s see her come out– period! Enough already La’, we KNOW… and now that Ellen has made it fashionable...say it loud & proud and get YOUR talk-show on and your own gorgeous out-of-work actress girlfriend (*pause---no homo) by your side…you’ve earned it Queen!  Now eat yer’ heart out……um, so to speak.

      

...and the number 1# Top Ten *Untelevised* Moment of the BET  2010 Awards was.......

During his tour-de-force comeback, Chris Brown cries tears of joy to be accepted by the crowd but loses it  when “attention-hog”rapper Lil’ Mama jumps on stage to steal some of his glory and he proceeds to poppin’ her in her lip-gloss….and um…well, you pretty much know the story from here………*sigh* nice  MJ moves though!

Your Weekly Top Ten Presents: "Top Ten Ways A Real 'G' Would Handle This BP Oil Spill”….

Written and Illustrated By Lena Hopkins-Jackson ( With all due respect and love to Aaron McGruder)

REAL “G” SOLUTION 10#.......”World’s Biggest Fish-Fry” : We could call it the “Under-The Sea Cookout”...I’m getting the “ITIS” just thinkin’ about it! Yo’ check It:

dem’ fish already dead anyway…right? Ain’t nobody thinkin’ bout’ dem’ fish ...right?

In fact we doin’ the Ocean a favor by having this fish fry; we could charge $5.oo a plate and half the money....um, I mean 1/3…..naw, SOME of the proceeds can go to paying off this deficit my man Obeezy inherited!

REAL “G” SOLUTION 9#....... “World’s Biggest Pelican & Seagull Fry”:

Basically the same concept as the fish-fry, we just usin’ birds,… thass’ all nigga’, thass’ all! ...AND I hear those sea-birds taste just like chicken if you season them right !

REAL “G” SOLUTION 8#..........”Hair-Oil For Hard To Lay Down Weaves”:

Yo’, did you peep that movie “Good Hair”? Did you see how much cheddar ‘dem Malaysians and Indians be making off black people tryin’ get hair like white people?? Uh-huh-Uh-huh…I see an opportunity knocking, don’t you? If me and my boys can dip into that BP oil and sell it by the gallon to all these Beyonce’ wannabees , maaaaan, we shutting down :Revlon, Dark & Lovely, Isoplus and every corner-market Asian hair-supply store out of business! I’m goin’ Tony Montana on ‘dem marks! Yeea-Ah!

REAL “G” SOLUTION 7#....... “Lotion For Ashy People”: Need I say more? A jar of Vaseline and Coca butter just don’t seem to do it for some niggas; their legs and feet be looking so white it’s like they got that ‘light-skin-people-creating’ disease Michael Jackson swore he had.

REAL “G” SOLUTION 6#. …..“The Biggest Oil & Water Super-Soaker fight ever!!!” Yeah, yeah…I know oil and water don’t mix .. BUT it did anyway, didn’t it nigga’…didn’t it??!! So since the oil is already there; polluting future crabby patty sandwiches and Red Lobster specials, why not make a game out of it?! We could load up our water guns and get it on & poppin’ for weeks, whatever oil is left over the losing team has to clean it up….and naw, I don’t know what that other team is gon’ do with it nigga’; my job was to find out how to make use of the oil that’s already there….“oil-disposal is anutha’ nigga’s job!

REAL “G” SOLUTION 5#. …. “Let The Mexicans Over There Clean It up”

They need the work don’t they? I may be wrong for this one but I figure they owe us anyway after putting all these “Checks-Cashed” and “Taco-Bells” up in the hood

( Can a nigga eat a burrito, just one without getting the ‘Hershey squirts’….

I’m sayin’nigga’ ...d@yum )

 REAL “G” SOLUTION 4#.. “Pour Some of That Oil into the Water-Jets and Boats That Are Already Out There” It’s that simple nigga, I don’t know why Obeezy and nem’ BP gangsters didn’t already come up with this one themselves! As matter a fact, tell the White House staff niggaz to go ahead and get my corner office ready….my solutions to the BP screw-up was a freebie, the rest of my ideas are gonna’ cost you!

I don’t care if the USA is in debt…:$@^#%-YOU…PAY-ME!

REAL “G” SOLUTION 3#. ….I dunno’ yet nigga, I’m only eight years old…..gimme’ a second…d@yum!

….. right now I’m wondering where’s Al Gore when you need him?!! You couldn’t throw a bubble-gum wrapper on the ground without that nigga’ sayin’ it was gonna’ destroy the Ozone layer back-in-the-day! If he wants to save the planet, put HIM on clean-up duty!

…and my hater-brother Huey wants to know how come the USA didn’t see this coming after the Exxon Valdez disaster; which is a whole-nutha’oil spill from a long time ago…are the two supposed to be related or somethin’, what?

REAL “G” SOLUTION 2# …. “Pimp-Your-Ride-On-The-Ocean-Wide” Car Show!

Hold me down niggaz cuz’ niggaz ain’t ready for this! Anybody can go to an average car show on land… BUT REAL niggaz is takin’ it up a notch every day, flippin’ the game with somethin’ new… we takin’ it to the sea now, nigga! Check it : we fill up the cars with that BP oil and just let ‘em float on hydraulics and 175 inch dubs!!! BANANAS!!!

...and the number 1# REAL “G” SOLUTION To Handle This BP Oil Spill...

Make ‘dem BP niggaz clean up their own damn mess; every last one of ‘em from the CEO to the dumb @ss who was at the wheel….that should have been THE solution on day one!

Pimp, out……..

What If Other Immigrants Were Racially Profiled Like Mexicans in Arizona (...or the top ten the hard way by Senator John McCain)

                   Written and Illustrated By Lena Hopkins-Jackson

10. *Operation-Mama-Mia* The "We're Kicking Italians Back To The Boot They Came From"-Anti-Italian Immigration Law

*Ethnic Profiling*:  Mafia-lookin’,“Good Fellas” straight outta’ the cast of “The Sopranos”, guys who answer to ‘Pauly’, ‘Tony’ or any name ending with a vowel, loud-mouthed chicks with big, ‘mall-hair’ and sprayed-on tangerine-tans and  muscled-bound Guidos at the club wearing cheap suits with more oil in there hair than BP can spill. 

*Dangerous Imports* : knock-off Prada, Dolce & Gabbana  and Gucci sold at swap-meets and grocery store parking lots , Prego marinara Sauce ( too fattening, who cares if “It’s In There”… who needs that?)  And the entire “New Jersey Shore” and the “Desperate Housewives of New Jersey” cast; “Getthefrondoorouttahere, …seriously …LEAVE!”

9. *Operation-What-Da'-Bloodclot*: The "We Ain't Takin' No Jamaicans"Anti-Caribbean Immigration Law

*Ethnic Profiling*:  Along with islanders, anyone who says “Hey Mon!” with a thick accent, Black people with dreadlocks who wear those crocheted, rainbow-berets  and annoying, stringy-haired White boy Rastas who wanna’ be down; they can go too!

*Dangerous Imports*:  Ganja (we have our own),Red Stripe Beer, bad-bootleg Reggae concerts on DVD  and Poom-Poom shorts when worn near  construction workers!

To read the list in entirety, click here @
http://www.rollingout.com/big-rube/9701-what-if-other-immigrants-were-racially-profiled-like-mexicans-in-arizona-.html

The Top 10 Most Common (and Annoying) Facebook Statuses

The Top 10 Most Common (and Annoying) Facebook Statuses