Lena “The Art Diva” Hopkins-Jackson
10. Promise her bunk-mate and those scary, ‘dyke-ey’ chicks in cell-row 244# to cast them in “Mean Girls 2” if they’ll promise to stop calling her “New Booty On The Block”
9. Find Jesus……(um, that would be Jesus Martinez the really cute, super-hot Latino security guard who keeps flirting)….hey, a chick’s gotta’ get it in some way!
8. Call up “P-Hilty” (a.k.a Paris Hilton) bragging: “So who’s gonna’ have the bigger “People magazine cover and E! News *EXCLUSIVE* Behind-the-scene interview now??!!... Beeyotch!”
7. Practice writing “Fire-Crotch Wuz' Here” all over her cell in that totally hot graffiti style with the new, scented markers her Mom slipped her as contraband.
6. Bond with her ex-con Daddy over his secret tips to get the guards to like you and where to score the softest dinner rolls after chow-time.
5. Begin writing future best-selling weight-loss book “The Lohan-Lockdown Way….90 days to a Skeletal YOU”….;only for the truly serious & committed bulimic.
4. Join prison AA support group....um, in hopes of finding a fresh, new entourage of party-hard chicks who KNOW all the cool, underground liquor stores!
3. Pitch new project to agent: ”Jail House Rock…. The Musical” to win back her younger audience; particularly the juvenile delinquent and teen-mother fan demographic who can appreciate her new ‘street-cred’.
2. Text crazy, midnight statuses on Twitter about how “…her new girlfriend is soooo much hotter than any guy or chick she’s ever been with….seriously, she’s burning-hot… can someone PLEASE get me a prescription, I’m dying in here!”
...and the number 1#THING LINDSEY LOHAN SHOULD DO TO PAST TIME IN PRISON FOR 90 DAYS
1. Take this down time to meditate on the sins of her crazy, wild and destructive past , pray and make peace with her enemies before beginning anew…yeah , like…what-verrrr …“GIMME’ MY CIGGS AND HENNY, DAMMIT WHILE I’M WAITING FOR BAIL, ….I’M A @$#&!*% STAR, B*TCHES…GET ME OUTTA’ HERE!”